“She needed a hero, so that’s what she became”

Well, I haven’t posted in awhile because some things have been going on.
I’ll start in June…we had our second transfer on June 23rd and a e decided to transfer two embryos again this time. I was so excited but really scared because of the miscarriages a few months prior. For the next 16 days I took it easy and rested as much as possible. In early July we found out we were pregnant with one strong little baby! Because we did IVF, it was very early but we were still able to see and hear the little heartbeat. I was so excited but still very scared. My hopes were so high last time with the twins that I didn’t want to do that again with this one. Every week I would go in for a routine ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure all was good. Around week 7 the nurses found that I had a subchorionic hematoma. The doctor said this will cause me to bleed during my pregnancy and I was NOT excited about that. It was scary and made me even more worried than I already was! A few weeks later and the baby is getting bigger which is forcing the hematoma to get smaller so that is excellent news!! It’s amazing to see this little miracle on the screen and hear it’s strong heartbeat. I’m so in love with him/her already!!
Now that brings me to this last week. A lot has gone on (as if I haven’t been through enough already) and it has turned my world upside down. I have had a lot of people contact me wondering what was going on and while I am not shy about explaining it when someone asks, I do not want to dwell on it here. All I can say is that I will be experiencing this pregnancy and raising this sweet baby by myself. This news has really torn me apart as a human. This is not what I had planned nor did I have any idea that this was coming. This is suppose to be the happiest time in my life and even though I am so excited to bring my baby into this world, I am heartbroken for where my relationship is headed. I am confident that I will be the best mom I can be to this innocent little baby and it will be my one true love.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers during this time for me and my baby. I am looking forward to sharing the rest of this pregnancy with y’all!

June 2014

June is here. Several things to celebrate during this month. Father’s Day is this weekend, our five year anniversary is the following weekend, some friends of ours are getting married, and more progress with our next try with IVF.
I’m so thankful for my dad. He and I don’t talk very often but I still like to think we are close. Not as close as I would like to be but it’s hard since I grew up living with just my mom. He’s the sweetest, most selfless person I’ve ever known. He is always doing anything he can to help me and my sisters. I’ll be in Conroe this week so I’m really excited to celebrate Father’s Day with him.
This would have been Kyle’s first Father’s Day and I was really looking forward to celebrating with him too, but we have our anniversary shortly after so that will help. It’s been five years since Kyle and I got married. It doesn’t seem that long but then again it seems way longer. We have gone through some pretty hard times and we somehow get through them. There usually has been a challenge with almost everything we’ve done and I’m glad those challenges didn’t scare Kyle away. We are still facing one of the toughest obstacles to date and he is the one who helps me stay positive and optimistic. I’ve had a hard time (when do I not have a hard time?!) and he is making sure that we are able to do another round of IVF this month.
I’m back to seeing the doctor every week, getting poked, and filling myself with meds. I’m hopeful…most of the time. June is already flying by so hopefully the next few weeks come and go and then we can move on to face July!

Crossfit South Central Regionals

This past weekend Kyle competed as an individual in the South Central regionals for Crossfit. He put in some hard work during the Crossfit Open which qualified him to continue on to compete at regionals. This was his first time making it to regionals and we were both so excited!! The anticipation was killing us! I know Kyle was nervous and I was nervous for him. The week of regionals, I could tell Kyle’s mood went from nervous to ready. I was ready to get there and get the show on the road. I know he stresses about it because he’s the one having to do all the work but I get stressed too! I make sure he has everything he needs and that he feels good and is in positive spirits.
We got home today and man am I happy to be home. I’m exhausted and I didn’t even workout! I am so very proud of my husband and know this past weekend only motivates him to train harder and get back to regionals next year!

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Moving forward

A week or so after the second miscarriage Kyle and I both went in for extensive bloodwork. My doctor wanted to get a bunch of chromosome tests done to make sure that wasn’t something that could have caused the miscarriages. Fortunately everything came back normal. Unfortunately we have no explanation as to why we lost both babies. My personal opinion believes it was stress. I had something going on in my home that I was uncomfortable with (and had been for weeks) and had to get it out. It wasn’t a pretty departure but thankfully it’s gone and my home is much more peaceful!
Since our tests came back normal there was nothing the doctor wanted me to do or take. He said we could do another IVF cycle as soon as I wanted. Well, Kyle has made it to the Crossfit regionals and I didn’t want that added stress on him so we are waiting until after regionals are over. I am so proud of Kyle for making it as an individual and am so excited to was him compete in San Antonio on May 23-25. Not only was regionals a factor, but another transfer costs about $4,000! So we needed this extra month to round up some more money.
I have mixed feelings about another transfer. Of course I’m excited because it could potentially mean we could get pregnant again, but I’m terrified of miscarrying again. I’m dreading doing all the shots. I’m dreading the two week wait. I don’t want history to repeat itself.
Mother’s Day was pretty hard for me. I was a mom even if it was for just a short time, but now I’m not. That day made me really sad. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy for all the mothers and expecting mothers out there, I just wish I knew what it was like to feel my baby, hold my baby, and love my baby. I’m trying to remind myself that someday it will be our turn to be parents. I cannot wait for that day!

I’m struggling.

The title says it all. I’m having a really hard time keeping it together 100% of the time. Today marks 1 month since we lost our second baby. I can’t believe it’s been a month. I can’t believe we had two babies and now they’re both gone. Why can’t I just forget about it? For the last 3 1/2 years I have been surrounded by people getting pregnant, having their babies, and then continuing on to have more babies. I’m stuck here still hoping. I don’t understand why Kyle and I are the ones that have a hard time. I know we aren’t alone in this struggle, but it sure does feel like it.
I’m sorry for this pity party, I just need to know there in an end to this struggle and if there isn’t, I need to know if I should give up.

Baby A

We have been so lucky to have such great friends and families that have supported us during this journey. Unfortunately baby A did not make it. Kyle and I are devastated but know we will get through this. We have felt the love from everyone and truly appreciate it. We are handling this the best way we know how and hope people can understand if we have not been ourselves lately. Thank you again for all the kind words!

Sad news

I’ve dreaded making this post for hours but I feel I need to because everyone has been so sweet and supportive during our IVF journey. This morning we found out we lost our Baby B. Baby A seems to be doing fine. As sad as we are about the loss of one baby, we are so thankful that our Baby A is still with us. Thank y’all for all the prayers and kind words!

Here we go!!

Last Monday I posted that we would find out if we were pregnant or not. I got the call around 3:15pm and was told my levels were high and everything looked great!! We were so excited!! I wanted to tell people right away but then knew that in just 7 short days we were know if there was one or two in there, so I waited. Yesterday was my first ultrasound and as soon as the nurse turned the screen my sister said she saw the two black dots!! She’s a nurse so she knows what to look for. She wanted to wait for the nurse doing the ultra sun to confirm that we had two…and she did!! She went on to show me their tiny flickering heartbeats and we even got to hear them! We are only 6 weeks so we are still very early in this journey but I’m looking forward to every second of it!!!!

Today we find out!

11 am came and went…and now time is going by SO slow. I had my blood drawn at 11 and I should hear back from the doctor’s office any minute now if I am pregnant. I’m scared. I feel like it will be good news, but then again I don’t want them to call just in case it is bad news. I am so nervous. My sister is just as impatient as I am and she seems to be freaking out more than I am! Haha! We are all waiting for the call…I will keep y’all updated!!

Details about our transfer

Yesterday was not at all what I was expecting. I fell asleep fine on Sunday night, I woke up a little earlier than normal on Monday but I wanted to so I could go watch some people redo 14.1 at the gym before we left. I wasn’t feeling anxious or nervous. We left a little later than I wanted and were 11 minutes late (according to my sister who was there long before we were). I was told I had to come with a full bladder so I started drinking water around 8am thinking the fuller the better! By the time I was checked in and changed clothes I was in pain because I was SO full! I was allowed to halfway go to the bathroom. I didn’t think I could…but somehow I was able to. Having my sister there really helped make this a happy moment rather than a scary moment. She set up her phone in the little waiting room we were in and told Kyle and I to get in some selfies with her! I hate taking pictures but I love that she is taking the lead with documenting this process!
Next thing I know we are all walking to the operating room. I get situated on the table and get all strapped in. Everyone in the room was being really great and the mood was pretty calm and light. Kyle sat next to me and Robin stood nearby and filmed. For the most part I felt okay, but when they had to press on my stomach it got pretty uncomfortable because my bladder was so full. I of course started tearing up, not only because I was getting to watch my doctor put these two miracles inside me but also because one of my favorite songs came on Pandora at this time. When he heard the song, Kyle leaned over to me and whispered, “You love this song!” I feel like that was a major sign!
The doctor said everything went great and that it went textbook perfectly. So now we just wait a few weeks and see if this worked! I am on bed rest for 3-4 days and am trying to relax. Luckily the Crossfit Open started last week so every Thursday I can look forward to the workout being released and then on Fridays I can go watch everyone do the workouts! I’m trying to plan small goals to look forward to so the days don’t drag on.
Thank you to everyone who is praying for us and I hope we can share some amazing news in the near future!